Planet Oz

God And Football

2009-02-01T12:45:00.001-08:00

These are your children headed to Mass.

I'm fairly sure we'll be asked to leave.

I Can't Take It

2009-01-11T15:16:00.001-08:00

You're up by 4 at the half. I need this to go the other way. I need to know there is a God. And I need to know he's not a Steelers fan.

One-Man Malachi Crunch

2009-01-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

Got a call at work today from Hayden's school. Not once has this ever resulted in good news.

Apparently, Hayden HIT HER TEACHER. When another teacher tried to intervene, Hayden KICKED THAT TEACHER. Yep, she took two teachers down with one move and spent the remainder of the afternoon in the principal's office.

When I picked her up, I asked her what happened. She told a similar story with one difference. According to Hayden, she threw the smackdown on THREE teachers. Not two.

Needless to say, not a good night at Camp Ozzie. Been that kind a week.

Side note. When I got the call, I yelled from my office "My kid is Nellie Oleson!"

To which Russell promptly replied "Who's Nellie Oleson?"

My fondness for using 70's television references is losing its punch.

2009-01-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

Heard a big boom just outside "the wire" next to our hooch. Kept waiting for the ground assault to breach "the wire" but all went quiet. We found out later a local dog stepped on a land mine.
I like to think this situation is a GOOD clue for the locals.....attempt that breech at your own risk.

2009-01-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

We had another one last night and at 5.9, it woke me up.
It's supposed to be 17 tonight with a high of 39 tomorrow.
I'm not popping smoke yet but I'm starting to reach for it.

It's not pretty but it's legit

2009-01-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

2009-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

We just had our third earthquake since I've been here. This one was 6.2 and got the attention of those not used to a little shake rattle and roll.

2009-01-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

The kids were so lucky this week as they saw all of their cousins.

Even with all the excitement, they still missed their mommy!!

More pictures to follow....

Merry Christmas Daddy

2008-12-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve

2008-12-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

Winter Wonderland Part Two

2008-12-25T20:04:00.003-08:00

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-25T19:56:00.000-08:00

Elementary School Musical

2008-12-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas Trees

2008-12-25T19:33:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving In Reno

2008-12-25T19:15:00.000-08:00

A day (morning) to remember

2008-12-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

Did I see him?
What do you think?

More from the STAN

2008-12-14T23:12:00.000-08:00

Your support means a better life for this young girl

Can you even imagine......

A rough life, but a great picture...

Uh-Oh

2008-12-13T17:19:00.000-08:00

Jack just asked me to set up electric train around tree. Stop.

Opened box, no instructions. This is not gonna be good. Stop.

Got Grandpa Choo Choo on speed dial. Stop.

Will keep you posted. Stop.

2008-11-30T09:43:00.000-08:00

To really appreciate this, you must click on the photo.

All is well here. Just another day of work.

Welcome Neighbor!

2008-11-26T12:40:00.000-08:00

Guess who moved in across the street? I'm not joking.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie...if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Turning "Tree"

2008-11-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

Madam Secretary

2008-11-23T00:26:00.000-08:00

She doesn't walk ten steps behind anyone.

Jack wants to know "why all the mommies in Afghanistan look like ghosts?" Can you explain that? I want to know too.

Shopping In Afghanistan

2008-11-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

7-11

LOWES

STICHY STORE

VONS

THE MALL

THIS ONE IS FOR JACKSON

A Day In The Life

2008-11-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

Having been here for a few weeks (It's still too early to count the days or weeks) I thought I'd post a couple pictures of the life over here.

On the plane coming over. Although there isn't first class, there is plenty of legroom.

Here is the "B-Hut". Notice the weather stripping. Plywood over wood studs and that's it.

Kristin, this could be us walking to the mall. Notice the requisite spacing between husband and wife. Hmmm.

Kristin, you always said you liked a local butcher shop.

Going "outside the wire" for the first time, I wasn't sure what to expect. This guy is the first "local" that I saw. Yes, he does have a hoe and yes he was weeding. No, he wasn't near any building at the time. He was weeding the middle of the desert.

Groundhog Day

2008-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

This is Hayden.

See yesterday's post.

The only difference between yesterday and today is my sweet angel Jack is popping his popcorn for "Deal or No Deal."

Terrible Twos Over In Two Days

2008-11-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

This is Hayden.

This is Hayden at 6:30pm, only 20 minutes after getting home from school.

This is Hayden five minutes after screaming at her Mommy one too many times since getting home from school only 20 minutes ago.

This is Hayden 30 seconds before saying "You're not my friend. Daddy's my friend."

While simultaneously giving me The Stinkeye.

Jack's not in this picture because he wasn't in trouble. In fact, he was popping his popcorn getting ready for his favorite show "Biggest Loser." My Jack is a sweet angel.

Kreepy Krawly Kid Krud

2008-11-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

Without going into too much detail about why, the kids and I had a long talk tonight about "hygiene." Well, I talked...they listened. Kinda. I hope. I pray.

The talk ended with me proclaiming "We are not going to be 'The Dirty Kids That Smell Funny.'"

Jackson cheered "Yeah! Because we're the Osborns!"

To which I replied "Yeah but not 'You know. The Osborns. Those dirty kids that smell funny.'"

Things You're Not Missing

2008-11-16T18:29:00.000-08:00

Southern California on fire. Again.

Over 1,000 homes go up like matchsticks.

Oprah's 42-acre Montecito estate. Safe!

Tooth Fairy Helps Self To More Teeth

2008-11-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

Not really...but that's funny, right?

And for the record, the Tooth Fairy left Jack TWO DOLLARS. He's thrilled.

While You Were Out

2008-11-13T20:47:00.000-08:00

It's been an eventful week on the homefront. Eventful good and eventful bad...but mostly eventful good. So I'll share the eventful good stuff.

Jack lost his first tooth today. The bottom one that was loose. I was a little skeeved out by the whole thing, the blood and tooth roots and all...but it was very exciting. We addressed the envelope to the Tooth Fairy and put it under his pillow. I heard the Tooth Fairy leaves a twenty spot these days. That true?

AND...Hayden is officially potty trained. Yep. A big girl in big girl underwear. Six days now...only a couple of accidents. I am so proud.

When I was a little girl, it was all about Days of the Week skivvies. Now the must have...Santa's Reindeer bloomers. She LOVES these.

We're growing up Daddy...and we miss you!

The Company You Keep

2008-11-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

You, Michael Osborn, are featured in an article in last week's New York Magazine. Dude. That's the coolest thing. Ever.

Click here to read.

Well. There ya go.

2008-11-09T18:17:00.001-08:00

Hayden just told me she doesn't like my attitude.

The Birds And The Bees And Kobe Bryant

2008-11-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

So you know that Guitar Hero commercial with Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps, Tony Hawk and A-Rod? The one Jack LOVES?

Well, this is the newest version.

It came on during the football game Monday night...Jack heard the piano and flipped.

I'm watching him as he's staring at this commercial...mouth agape, eyes bugged out. I'm thinking to myself "OK, he's almost seven years old. There's NO WAY ON EARTH he's not going to notice Heidi Klum dancing around in her Victoria's Secret looking so...so...well, hot."

"I'm going to have to explain something, surely there will be questions. I mean she's just so...so...well, German supermodelish."

When it was over, he looked at me indignantly and said "BUT WHAT ABOUT KOBE BRYANT?"

That's my boy.

Yes We Can. Yes We Did.

2008-11-04T23:33:00.001-08:00

I took the little ones to vote with me this morning. They were so excited and surprisingly patient during the 30-minute wait at 6:30AM. All the nice people at the polling place thought they were adorable.

We voted together, the three of us. Jack held my cheat sheet on one side, Hayden helped mark my ballot on the other. I asked them each "Who should we vote for President of the United States?

Jack said "John McCain! John McCain!" like he was cheering for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Hayden simply whispered "O-ba-ma."

I think you and I both know how that turned out.

I want them to always remember this historical day...and their responsibilities and privileges as Americans. We took a picture outside the polling place to document the moment for you.

"All Things Are Possible"

2008-11-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

And that's all I'm gonna say about it. I promise.

Whose Kid Is This?

2008-11-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

Is it ours? Could it be? While the Republican's away...

Sweet Dreams

2008-11-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

I went to check on Jack before going to bed one night...and there he was. Fast asleep with two of the notes you left him taped to his pillow. He did this all by himself. No way would I be an accessory to any sort of Go Steelers post-it display.

Holy Trick Or Treat, Batman!

2008-11-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

Batman (that would be Christian Bale Batman, not Adam West Batman) and Robin had an extra spooky Halloween.

Hayden rocked the only non-princess costume in the Canyon Vista Children's Center Annual Halloween Parade.

Enjoying the fruits of their labor...with a special shout-out to Dad.

All I Want For Christmas

2008-10-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hayden wants to ask Santa Claus for a turtle. A turtle. Don't know where this came from but she's pretty sure. A turtle.

When I think of turtles, I think of this.

I'm hoping Hayden is thinking more this.

In the end, I think Hayden plus turtle will equal this.

Eloise Doesn't Go To The Plaza

2008-10-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today Hayden and I were out...and she was MISBEHAVING. You say "No way Kristin!" I say "Yes way Michael!"

I was at my wit's end, running out of scolding words. She just wasn't listening, nothing was working. So in my calmest voice I said "HAYDEN. Do you know what boarding school is?"

A lady next to us whipped her head around and gave me the Stink Eye.

I'm still not really sure if it was Hayden's rambunctiousness...or my thinly veiled threat of life in a convent that prompted her to do so.

Don't Cry For Me, Hines Ward

2008-10-28T19:46:00.001-07:00

Sorry about that loss to the Giants. Kinda. Not really.

Jack's bummed. I told him "Now ya know how Mommy feels every weekend."

I'm posting this pic just for you...Jack tells me "that's not nice." But I'm not too concerned.

Good Morning Afghanistan

2008-10-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

Gentle Souls

2008-10-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

Bath time...which means they're bickering.

"Mommy, Hayden spit at me once and hit me eight times and she's a copycatter!"

"Mommy, Jackie's looking at me!"

"Mommy, Hayden said ha ha to me two times!"

"Mommy, I'm calling Daddy!"

"Mommy, Hayden's giving me a headache!"

"Mommy, Jackie's giving me a headache!"

I just said to them "C'mon guys, let's give Mommy a break. OK?"

Hayden screamed "NO BREAK MOMMY!"

Vomit Comet

2008-10-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

You've been gone two weeks...and each kid has been sick twice in that time. There's not a bug out there left. I'm sure of it.

Jack threw up last night. Several times. On our bedroom floor, on our bedroom walls, on our bathroom floor, in a salad bowl (hey, who wants to come to the Osborns for dinner?). I spent the better part of the evening simultaneously scrubbing and comforting the little guy. The scene looked a little something like this.

Said he had some "yucky chicken" at school. So I called that school today...you know, just to give Lunch Lady a heads up on the rancid Sloppy Joes. Principal Schubert, in her syrupiest (that's a word) voice, assured me there is no such "yucky chicken" and Jack must have the stomach flu. Of course.

Whose Lawn Is This?

2008-10-26T10:38:00.001-07:00

Is it ours? Could it be? While the Republican's away...

I Keep Telling Her...

2008-10-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

her face is going to stay that way.

Sammy and Hayden at Los Toros for Marieanne's birthday.

Pumpkin Heads

2008-10-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

First Night Without Daddy

2008-10-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Sad faces, mad faces, sprawling toddler bodies in our bed.

Things You're Not Missing

2008-10-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

The Worst World Series Ever. Tampa Bay vs. Philly. Blech.

While You're At It, Do Something About This Too

2008-10-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton said Wednesday he believes that Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden might try to influence next month's U.S. presidential election through a terrorist attack.

I Certainly Hope You're Doing Something About This

2008-10-21T12:54:00.001-07:00

A court in Afghanistan has just sentenced a journalism student to 20 years in prison for asking questions in class about women's rights under Islam.

Office Party

2007-12-16T09:24:00.001-08:00

Merry Merry

2007-12-11T13:20:00.001-08:00

It Gets Worse

2007-11-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

I just discovered, only a few moments ago, that the pink and purple unicorn SINGS.

If you press its ear, its mouth moves and spouts a littly ditty about how great it is to be a fancy unicorn...or some such nonsense like that.

I'll probably find out tomorrow that the magic creature also doubles as a snow cone-making clock/radio.

We're headed to Disneyland for Thanksgiving. Because nothing says gratitude like a 90-minute wait for Space Mountain.

Have lots of pics to post from Hayden's birthday celebration yesterday. She loves all her gifts. Thank you notes penned by a 2-year-old to follow.

And for those of you that are obviously worried about the fact that I'm her mom and she may be missing out on some little girl stuff, you've been heard. We're swimming in a sea of dolls (and doll accoutrement) here. Hayden's tickled pink.

Happy Birthday Baby H

2007-11-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

It seems like just yesterday she announced she was arriving. Six weeks early. During the Fresno State-USC football game. And already tomorrow, Hayden turns two.

She had a little autumn-themed party this weekend with her buddies. They ate pizza and cupcakes and goldfish and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches shaped like pumpkins. They played games, did crafts and chased each other with balloons.

Sammy couldn't come (he has pneumonia!)...but cutie Joey was there. Hayden missed her Sammy though.

Jack, being the selfless little boy he is, kept asking "When's my birthday? When's my birthday? When's it gonna be my birthday?"

Happy Birthday Baby Hayden. Our cup runneth over.

No. Literally. You spill milk all the time.

We are blessed to have you.

Rainbows, Butterflies and Princesses

2007-11-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

Just as I resign myself to the reality that Hayden is a girl and there'll probably be a doll or two in this house...

She gets a pink and purple unicorn. A pink and purple unicorn. I was not prepared for a pink and purple unicorn.

This is Hayden on the pink and purple unicorn. Having a great time. Holding her new purse.

Oh no. Did I mention the unicorn is pink and purple?

I'll Take Manhattan

2007-11-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

Jack and I had the best weekend in NYC...apparently, while Daddy and Hayden were drinking beer with his college buddies in Fresno (see comment, prior post).

Jack rocked his first college football game, Rutgers vs Army at West Point. He loved every minute of it...especially because his Scarlet Knights won big, 41-6. He got to hang out in the booth with Uncle Chris and broadcast partner, Tim Pernetti.

I think one of Jack's favorite things about sitting in the Press Box was the food. He had popcorn, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato chips, M&Ms, chocolate chip cookies...and his first ever hot cocoa. He was a bit leery, not sure why anyone would ruin perfectly good chocolate milk by making it warm...but, as we all discover, it's alright.

He felt like BMOC. I had to keep reminding him that Uncle Chris and Mr. Pernetti were on the air because every time Rutgers scored, he yelled "Yeah! Baby!" and wouldn't give up until everybody within reach had been properly high-fived.

As is tradition after the game, the Army team heads over to the cadet section to sing the alma mater. Out of respect, the Rutgers team went too. It was pretty cool, we were impressed.

Jack's least favorite part of the experience? The cannon that blew when Army scored. Thank goodness that only happened once.

I'm afraid when I take him to his next game, he'll look at me and say "What? We're sitting outside? In the stands?"

We went to the city on Saturday but didn't get to see "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on Broadway because of the stagehands' strike. Hit up FAO Schwarz with Uncle Chris and Aunt Sheryl instead.

Jack danced on the "Big" piano with a bunch of older women.

With the SpongeBob SquarePants made entirely out of Legos.

He had so much fun goofing around in Queens too...

Jack cried the morning we left. Said he wanted to live there. He took this picture from the airplane window of what he calls "my New York."

These Vagabond Shoes

2007-11-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

A picture of Jack and me during our wonderful, whirlwind weekend in the Big Apple. I'll post more later.

We The People

2007-11-07T13:31:00.003-08:00

November 6, 2007 marked Yellow Day #2 for Jackson Osborn.

[Ed. Note: Yellow Day #2 happened under the watch of SA Michael Osborn. Oh hey, how's that Daddy Camp thing workin' out?]

I was a little worried, another Yellow Day? But then I stumbled on this.

Thurgood Marshall was born on July 2, 1908, in Baltimore, Maryland. Marshall's parents placed great emphasis on education, encouraging Thurgood and his brother to think and learn. Whenever Thurgood got into trouble at school, he was made to memorize sections of the U.S. Constitution.

Thurgood Marshall took his seat on October 2, 1967, becoming the first African American justice to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court. During his time on the Supreme Court, he remained a strong believer in individual rights and never wavered in his devotion to end discrimination.

Yeah. Memorize sections of the U.S. Constitution. That's it.

One Of The Guys

2007-11-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Hayden's best friend is Sammy. She charms him by yelling things like "Samuel! Sit down! Now!" They were baptized on the same day at the same church...but didn't meet until weeks later.

Sammy's quite dashing. His Dad works for Disney so he had the inside track on the cool Captain Hook costume.

They are inseparable...which has been a problem since Monday. Hayden got moved to the big 2-year-old room, leaving Sammy behind until February. I'm told they pine for each other all day until the teachers can't stand it anymore and reunite them late afternoon. It's all so very Romeo and Juliet. Or maybe Danny and Sandy. But not trampy Sandy. No. Sweet, innocent, Australian Sandy. Sandra Dee Sandy.

This is the two of them and their other good buddy, Joey.

My effort to make Hayden not a girly-girl is either working or backfiring. On the one hand, she's tough, direct, not a delicate flower by any means. Can roll with the best of 'em.

But...I'm starting to sense some longing. Maybe for some sparkly shoes, or an adorable doll, or silly ribbony things in her hair. I caught her eyeing her friend Ari's Pretty Pretty Princess costume. I thought she was going to rip the wings right off Tinkerbell.

And one for my boy. His teacher said "Jack. You look so...so...um...muscle-y."

A Hero's Welcome

2007-11-05T21:23:00.001-08:00

Well, not exactly. More like me, the kids and a few good friends celebrating Michael's safe return.

Jack and his new buddy, Sophia.

After the party. My kitchen...

and my husband.

Things are almost back to normal...Michael's working already. Yeah, yeah, yeah...all that vacation time he said he was going to take? Didn't happen. Shocker.

We're just so happy he's here! Even if that means BlackBerry in hand.

Grass Always Greener

2007-11-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

While Michael was gone, I missed him terribly. I'm thrilled he's home and safe.

Are you waiting for the "but?"

Wait's over, here it is.

But...now that he's back, I realize there are some things I didn't miss. Because they're here again, in my space, invading my life.

1.) Weird razors and shaving cream and boy stuff all over my bathroom sink.

2.) Really bad classic rock on the radio in my car. I'm not a morning person, I don't like to be greeted at 7AM by Jon Bon Jovi screaming "Living on a Prayer." I want my coffee and my Bill Handel. Stop touching my radio.

3.) Several trips to the market every week. We're going through milk like the Brady Bunch.

4.) Socks on the floor. I don't get it...is this in the guy manual? Page 1? Why?

5.) No babies in the bed. Poor Hayden actually slept on the floor at the foot of our bed like a puppy one night because Ebenezer wouldn't let her in.

6.) Hearing that my politics, sports teams, taste in music and cooking should be kept away from the children.

7.) No room in the pantry because of more than several enormous boxes of cereal.

8.) Cops, Law & Order, Deadliest Catch, Quincy and Hawaii 5-0 on my TV.

9.) Shouts of "Rock Paper Scissors!" when Hayden smells. I actually have to win 2 outta 3 to not have to change every poopy diaper.

10.) The rules for parking in front of my own house. I can never remember how he laid it out exactly.

Good Times. Good Times.

2007-10-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

Daddy's home.

We picked him up in a limo (compliments of my bosses)...so very glam. It was our little own Canyon of Heroes...on wheels.

Spent our first day together as a family in a long time at the Harvest Festival.

Hayden got a hold of a pen and tried to scribble "Welcome Home Daddy" on her giant belly. Daddy washed it off...and then told me he wanted to go back to Iraq, where things were easier.

Happy Halloween from our little Red Power Ranger (one of 92 we saw today) and our miniature astronaut (the only non-princess we saw today, which caused many people to comment "Look at the baby astronaut, he's so cute!).

I'm not sure whether or not to keep Planet Oz alive. I originally did it to keep Michael close to the kids and what was happening here at home. But now that he's back, I'm not sure if I should keep updating it. I dig posting stuff but fear it would become nothing more than a "Look at us! Look at us! Aren't we cool?! Aren't I funny?!" thing. As appealing as that does sound...

One More Day

2007-10-25T15:56:00.001-07:00

I know you're in Kuwait (playing golf no less), getting ready to head to Frankfurt.

Better hurry...I'm starting to fancy another guy. He drives a truck.

Joel, There's A Crack In My Egg

2007-10-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Remember at the the end of Risky Business...when Tom Cruise is rushing around trying to get the house in order before his parents return from vacation?

That was us this weekend.

The Road Crew and I threw our last party...then busted some suds.

Jack's babying that tree back to life...God bless him.

I had to keep reminding Hayden we had a job to do. All she wants to do is dance.

By the way...

Hayden's obsessed with acorns. You could bring her a fancy schmancy present from the Middle East and all she'll want is a fistful of dirty ol' acorns from the gutter outside her school.

It took a day before I realized that was you in the picture below "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Dude, what's with the big gun? Who needs a gun like that? Aren't you at Club Baghdad? What does "outside the wire" even mean? Put down the gun.

I'll let you explain that picture to Jack.

And Jack. He's beside himself about you coming home. Counting the days, hours, minutes, seconds. He's so over Mommy Rules. I told him he'll be begging for Mommy Rules once he's firmly entrenched in Daddy Camp.

Oh...and Southern California's on fire. Sometimes we even have electricity here at the house. You coming "home" may actually mean the "Hilton at Warner Center."

See you Friday. I know you already mentioned "going back"...but maybe we can just enjoy the weekend and talk about that on Monday.

Three Days And A Wake-Up

2007-10-19T04:58:00.000-07:00

A quick pic from my last trip outside the wire. Three days and a wake-up...so I'm staying close to home until Tuesday.

As I close the book on this experience, I can say that it was everything and more than I expected. I was lucky to be here as it provided me with a unique perspective on the issues that we face here. I look forward to seeing you soon.

-MICHAEL

Coming Clean

2007-10-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

We're so happy you're coming home next week. You have no idea.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I need to confess some things. These are things that have happened in your absence. Things I don't think you'll be happy about.

I'd rather get them out of the way now and give you time (with the 72-hour trip and all) to think...about how small they really are in the grand scheme.

1.) Jack learned a bad word. Sorry. It really wasn't my fault. When I was in the shower one morning, the kids thought it'd be funny to move Ryan Seacrest to the hallway. Then they started yelling "Mommy! Mommy! Come look at the man in the hallway!" When I came tearing around the corner, there he was. In his lifesize, cardboard glory. Scared me to death. So it slipped. Loudly.

The kids decorated Ryan for Halloween.

2). Your backyard. I don't even know where to start. We did a pretty good job keeping up with it but I know it's not to Michael Osborn standards. The bougainvillea is out of control...branches draped over the roof and power lines. The little potted tree is dead. And the magic mushrooms are rampant. Although, Jack, Hayden and I are amused by the magic mushrooms...mainly because we know how unamused you'd be by them.

But also, not really my fault. I can't very well climb up on the roof and cut the branches and winter turned the tree dormant (I don't think it's actually dead). As for the magic mushrooms? Well, again...those are funny to us.

Oh. And we got paint on the porch. I tried to wash it off.

3.) There is not a morsel of cereal in this house. I've discovered that no one in this family likes cereal but you. Because of this, we are rich. That stuff's expensive.

4.) The Jetta is sporting cobwebs. But I did start it yesterday. Runs like a dream.

5.) I found something that's changed my life. VONS DELIVERS. If only I had known. I may never set foot in a grocery store again. Not when the truck brings it right to your house and the nice man carries it all into your kitchen.

6.) Jack and Hayden sleep in our bed every night. It's actually worked out quite well. It's kind of a John-Lennon-Yoko-Ono-Baby-Sean-Family-Bed-Love-Peace-Seventies thing. I'm not sure how you're gonna get your spot back.

7.) That little hole in the ottoman? Got a little bigger. No sweat, having it reupholstered.

8.) Jack and Hayden think this is our next President and First Gentleman.

9.) Hayden likes cupcakes. No. Hayden loves cupcakes. No. Hayden wants to marry cupcakes.

10.) My new BFFs make up half your squad (Adrienne, Dana, Karen Mac). All those things you don't tell me? I have people now.

Honorable Mention.
Jack asked me last weekend "Mommy, who's Michael Jackson?" I have thanked God every day since then that he got to me on that one before you.

I explained that Michael Jackson is only the KING OF POP. The SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE. The GREATEST MUSICAL ARTIST OF ALL TIME. We watched a couple of Michael Jackson videos on BET and I pointed out his dancing prowess, amazing voice, reinvention of popular culture. Jack loved.

One thing I have not been able to change.

Jack's adoration of the Pittsburgh Steelers. It's only gotten worse. I know now he won't ever be a Raiders fan. In fact, he actually roots against them ("But Mommy, I love the Chargers"). I officially give up.

Stay away from my baby girl...there's still hope for her.

My Night

2007-10-12T05:49:00.001-07:00

Well...I haven't posted in a few days because things here have been crazy. The new rotation just got here, so I've been working on getting them set up, and I've been working to get one of my subjects arrested (this case is one reason I extended).

Jack timed his Yellow Day perfectly. When I called you this morning and you told me about his Yellow Day, I'd been up for 24 hours (I'm old so that's hard to do). When Jack got on the phone to talk, I didn't really get on him too much for the Yellow Day. I guess one bad day a month is better than most and I was really tired. I realized this when I heard Jack saying, "Hello? Hello? Are you there?" I did talk with him about following the rules and helping Mommy. Hopefully he got the picture. Besides, it's not a good thing when you tell Jack I'm on the phone and he starts crying.

As I said, I was up all night because we executed the arrest warrant for my guy. I'll give you the executive summary of my night. We used over 100 good guys to go after one bad guy (who had a protective detail). My night started with me standing in total darkness and putting one of my good guys on a helicopter.

My night ended (early this morning) with the nurse asking if I was watching the operation from inside or outside of the operating room. I figured I wouldn't push things too far so I watched through the door. Who am I? Watching an operation while in Baghdad? It was an experience.

After the operation, I went downstairs (dressed with a mask and one of those medical hair hat thingamajigs) to meet the rest of my team. Their first question..."Is it a boy or a girl?" OK, maybe you had to be there.

So, let's recap my trip so far. I lost at trial (with fingerprint evidence) and we hit my subject's house but didn't get him. Be home soon.

And There It Is

2007-10-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Thou doth speaketh too soon.

After a month of Green Days, I present...Jackson Osborn's very first...Yellow Day.

Buddy got busted. He explains it like this.

"I wanted to ride the bike and Matthew P. wouldn't give me the bike so I hit him with my sweater."

There you have it. Not only is your son the proud owner of a Yellow Day, he's a thug. Knocked a kid in the head with a sweater. For a rusty tricycle.

Not a good night at the Osborns. The theme of the evening, NO MORE YELLOW DAYS, cast a pall over the oh-so-festively-decorated-for-Halloween house.

We did a lot of homework and wrote a letter to Miss Hoffman apologizing for breaking a class rule. Although I don't think there's a specific rule against hitting a kid with a sweater for a trike, I'm pretty sure it's covered by one of the Kindergarten commandments.

He doesn't want me to tell you because you'll tell him "not to do that." But I told him no go. He cried.

You Told Me So

2007-10-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

I know you tried to brace me for this years ago and I wouldn't listen. Now, my heart is broken.

Take This Job

2007-10-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

I just finished a massive project at work. It was rough...but it turned out wonderful and I'm proud. I used parts of my brain I've never used before. There was math.

My bosses (Robin and Neil) sent me the most amazing flowers yesterday.

And today...they picked up my slack while I worked from home (kinda) with a sick kid.

And tonight...Neil babysat our children so I could sneak out to Back to School Night for an hour or so.

I almost feel bad taking a paycheck from these people. Settle down...I said almost.

Ferber called today to see if I needed anything. We joked that he was supposed to be watching out for us in your absence and this is the first I've heard from him. But seriously, he and all our friends here are the salt of the earth, good people. We're blessed.

When you get home, we should take them to Chuck E. Cheese's.

Rethinking The Soccer Mom Thing

2007-10-09T21:40:00.001-07:00

I don't know. It's not at all how I thought it'd be. I thought it'd be more this...

And less this...

Congratulations, You Are The Lucky Winner Of...

2007-10-09T21:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight was Back to School Night at Superior Street Elementary. Kids weren't allowed to attend so I went alone like the unwed teenage mother in an ABC Afterschool Special. But I'm so proud of Jack. He's well liked by his classmates, teachers, principal. Everyone speaks so highly of him.

Since he's doing so well at school and in his studies...he gets what's cleverly called "Challenge Homework." This should be a cool thing, but no. It's essentially EXTRA, HARDER homework every night. Now, I think it makes more sense to get a break because you work hard, do well, follow the rules. There should be prizes...candy, cash, cars, something. But more homework? What?

Every day, the teacher colors a square on the kids' folders to reflect the kind of day they had and how good they were. Green is great, yellow so-so, orange trouble, red "bring on the beatings." In the morning, Jack and I give each other a high-five and yell "Green Day!" Here's Jack's folder from his first month.

Two Things

2007-09-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hooked up with the girls yesterday...Karen Mac, Adrienne, Dana. Two things of interest to you happened.

1.) The shoes came out.

2.) The lights were dimmed.

I will be posting no pics.

Oh, and they blew your cover. They told me you say nice things about me. I knew it. You like me.

Fawtma And Hassan

2007-09-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

Here is Fawtma on her ammo box swing.

Riyadh with Fawtma and Hassan (Hassan is named after Riyadh's brother who was recently killed by insurgents).

My Life Here

2007-09-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

My office is in this building.

This is the route to my other office.

This is where I usually sit when I call you.

Cemetary.

All's good in the neighborhood.

-MICHAEL

Desperate Housewife

2007-09-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Another big weekend at the Osborn Ranch...all that's missing is you.

I decided to brave the storm and haul the kidlets to see Playhouse Disney Live at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood yesterday. Here's Baby H all gussied up in fresh kicks and her Oregon State sweatshirt.

During the drive, she kept saying "Mee Mow? Mee Mow?" That's how she says Mickey Mouse, she hearts Mickey Mouse.

They both dug the show. Jack had the best time...this was him when Little Einsteins and Handy Manny came out. I told him crowd surfing was dangerous but he insisted.

Hayden still eats like she's never eaten before. I've been working with her on table manners. As you can see...I've been pretty successful.

We got hit by a car today. No, really. We were walking in the parking lot at Vons (with dread we returned to the scene of the strawberry-banana yogurt crime) and a guy backed out...apparently not looking first. I was carrying Hayden and holding Jack's hand...the car hit both Jack and I. Not hard at all but it scared me. The guy was so sorry.

Jack was scared too...especially when people came up to us in the market asking if we were OK. Just once, I'd like to go to Vons without making a big Osborn scene.

Jack told me later he wasn't really scared because he's a "brave man." Like his "buddy Daddy."

A Shadow Of My Former Self

2007-09-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

When did I become that person? That person whose mere presence means someone has to act as "lookout?"

Jack and Hayden were in the tub tonight...playing instead of washing as usual. I'm walking down the hall and I hear Jack say to Hayden..."Sshh. I hear Mommy coming."

What happened? When did I become the buzzkill?

I swear this is what it looks like when I come around the corner sometimes.

Truth And Justice

2007-09-20T02:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a little grief about the lack of postings so I'll throw a few pictures up today.

Here's true life in Baghdad. Below are two pictures that show the new US Embassy. This is still under construction but when it's completed it will be the biggest Embassy compound in the world. I forget how much they're spending on this but it's a lot. When they had the cranes up, the militia groups would target them with rockets (you may have seen these attacks in the news). The second picture shows people I work with on the Major Crimes Task Force (MCTF). Again, you can see the new Embassy behind us.

As for the justice...we went into the Iraqi High Tribunal. This building was reconfigured to host the regime crime trials. One picture has us all standing where the judges sit. There is one from the corner...prosecutors sit in the area on the left side of the room, defendants sit in the caged area and witnesses who want to remain anonymous testify from behind the curtain (in the booth on the other side of the room). In the picture of me with my arms on the caged seating area, I'm standing next to the seat that Saddam sat in when he was on trial.

And justice for all...

-MICHAEL

Warning

2007-09-18T02:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is a warning or a lesson but I wanted to let you know what it's like to watch TV over here.

American Forces Network (AFN)

News? Fox, CNN and BBC. The stuff is current but sometimes I'm watching one of the stations and it seems like it's a day behind.

If you aren't watching a news channel or ESPN, you're probably watching AFN. AFN is great because you don't have the standard commercials you'd see in the states. Instead of those commercials, there are 15 or 30 second PSAs. I'm watching AFN right now and I'll list them as they come up.

1) Make sure your reflective vest is available in your car.
2) Don't mail restricted items.
3) Job opportunities with the Marine Security Guard.
4) US Army Corp of Engineers.
5) Instructions for your PCS move.
6) Tricare dental program.
7) Courtesy at the washing machine.
8) Reporting fraud, waste, or abuse.
9) Around the Air Force - Story about an artist who paints planes.
10) Teenage prescription drug abuse.
11) Back to school dance at Aviano.
12) Don't run on an active runway.
13) USO and Toby Keith.
14) Airborne - How We Train.
15) Think Safety First.

I think we get the point.

One of the things I like to do is watch the Today show. You know when Al cuts away for the "weather near you?" Well, obviously US weather doesn't do us any good. Instead, they display a Today show card but keep the studio audio. There have been a few classic comments from Matt and the crew. Life over here is so weird. -MICHAEL

Mugshot Mania

2007-09-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hayden Osborn first thing this morning.

Nick Nolte after being arrested.

Toddler For Sale Or Rent

2007-09-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today, we were that family.

That family at the market with the tantrum-throwing toddler. That family everyone's looking at thinking, "Why doesn't she do something about that ill-behaved child?"

Hayden had a massive meltdown...in the middle of Vons. Hucked a strawberry-banana yogurt across the store as several onlookers gasped. While I frantically tried to control my daughter, clean up aisle 13, ignore the stares of strangers and be cordial to friendly employees..."Hello Miss Osborn, how are you today? Good to see you Miss Osborn. Finding everything OK, Miss Osborn?"...I was mortified. Jack was equally as mortified. He said, "Mommy, Hayden's being bad."

People are always telling me how sweet and cute she is. I'm thinking about letting one of those people have her. Cheap. In fact, I'll pay them.

This is her when those people are around.

This is her when they're not.

One of her new "things" is covering every doll with a baby wipe like it's a little blanket.

This is what she does when you say, "Hayden, show me your six-pack." Sammy taught her this, he learned it from his Dad.

This is the result of me turning my back for 20 seconds. This floor was clean.

You Reap What You Sow

2007-09-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

The Chuck E. Cheese's Gods must have gotten together and said, "That's it. We're tired of her griping and moaning and whining about us. It's time to teach her a lesson."

So, imagine my surprise when we get to Chuck E. Cheese's for Anthony's birthday party only to discover there was no Anthony's birthday party. I had the day wrong.

I looked down at Jackson who had a face of both hope ("Please, can we stay?") and disappointment ("Mommy, how could you?). I couldn't break the kid's little Chuck E. Cheese's heart. So we stayed and ate pizza and played games and rode rides. And now we have to go back today...for Anthony's birthday party.

So for those of you keeping score at home, that's Chuck E. Cheese's TWICE IN ONE WEEKEND.

Serves me right I guess. I'll keep my Chuck E. Cheese's loathing quiet now. But that's not a promise.

Help Me

2007-09-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

Guess where we're going tomorrow?

CHUCK E. CHEESE'S.

AGAIN.

Another birthday party. Another boatload of children, pizza, pink lemonade, video games, dancing puppets, singing rats.

I keep asking myself...does Queen Victoria go to birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese's now that she lives in America? Does she quietly drag herself there every other Saturday to celebrate one of Brooklyn, Romeo or Cruz's friends? Was this picture taken at one of said parties?

I think not.

I Used To Live Here

2007-09-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

But now a bunch of strange little people live here.

In Sync

2007-09-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Jack's been a pretty good boy. Everyday...he carries his lunchbox and homework to school, sets the table for dinner, puts his clothes in the hamper and gets his jammies out. Tonight, he even helped in the bath by washing Hayden's hair.

So because of this...and because it truly is the best piece of television ever...I didn't bust him too bad when I caught him watching Justin Timberlake In Concert from the hallway after bedtime tonight.

Relax, Daddy. Can you really blame me? You saw it on that Al Jazeera channel you got over there...it's genius, right?

By the way, your children don't like stuffing. So that 10-gallon drum of StoveTop from Costco is all yours when you get back. Jack says it's "YUCKY"...Hayden says it's "GUCKY."

9/11 Anniversary In Iraq

2007-09-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

Better pics. -MICHAEL

Vincent Van Gogh...But With Both Ears

2007-09-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

On Jack's first day of Kindergarten, they made self-portraits. This is his.

I'm not really sure what's up with the red glasses or the sideburns. But he assures me that it's him.

Update

2007-09-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

I don't think I need to say much about this warning.

The morning of September 11. Time to raise the flag. I think we all get that one too.

-MICHAEL

Buckethead

2007-09-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

This is your daughter with a black eye. Yep. A shiner. Ran into the bumper of a parked truck at full toddler speed.

This is your daughter putting another pea up her nose. I'm not sure what all's up there but if I had to guess I'd say more peas, some mac 'n cheese and a penny.

This is your son in the bathtub at exactly this moment.

And this is your living room as I type this.

No, but seriously...don't worry. I have everything under control.

Bummer

2007-09-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Texas A&M 47, Fresno State 45, triple overtime.

Jack actually cried.

Death By Bad Guy

2007-09-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

In Jack's little Power Rangers world, there's only one way to go.

Today he asked me who killed Luciano Pavarotti.

Me Time

2007-09-06T21:11:00.001-07:00

I won't be blogging tonight. I've wiped plenty of noses, picked up enough toys and given too many timeouts today...and that was just at work. Kids in bed now, all quiet.

And my boy JT is on HBO...in concert at Madison Square Garden. Check ya later.

We Have Liftoff

2007-09-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

First day. Wakeup call came at 6AM for these babies.

The whole "early to bed, early to rise" thing threw Jack off a little. Put on his shirt and came out looking like this. Things started falling into place as soon as he got that first cuppa coffee in him.

Lectured them on that "breakfast makes you smarter, faster, better" stuff. It's my duty as a mom, I guess. And I think they bought it.

Our big boy...

and his fresh kicks.

Welcome to Superior Street Elementary.

We sat in the front row for orientation. Need to let these people know right away...we're Osborns, we're leaders. I think they bought it.

His class is certainly a melting pot, very diverse (a good thing I think...like life. But I'm a Liberal so that's my take). Doesn't look like this at all.

He looked happy when I left. His teacher is hot (I'll try to refrain from referring to her as Miss Letourneau)...a tall blonde they call Miss V (for Villegas).

When she called roll, she came across a little boy named Manuel. Your son took this opportunity to announce to the class that that is also the name of "our worker"...meaning Manuel, our gardener. Oh my.

Regardless. Jack stepped right up...and I am so proud.

Me And The Boys

2007-09-05T05:41:00.000-07:00

I was out of milk so I got some friends together to make a run to Vons.
-MICHAEL

Kindergarten Eve And The Slurpee Conundrum

2007-09-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

All systems go for the Big Day tomorrow. Today was "Jack's Day." We had a special time together doing what he wanted to do...we watched the Steelers DVD (again), we went to get Slurpees, we baked cookies, we played games and puzzles. Tonight, the three of us hung out...before the reinstated "back to school" bedtime.

Speaking of Slurpees, they aren't good. When did this happen? I loved Slurpees when I was a kid...I even loved them in college. So I'm not sure...were they always bad and I'm just learning this now because I have more refined adult tastes or did they recently become awful? They are syrupy sweet and weird. And the concentrate to ice ratio is wrong. And the flavors are stoopid. No cherry or cola...they're called Full Throttle and Wild Crush. What do those names even mean? So disappointing.

This is a picture Jack drew on the last day of preschool. He describes the highlight of his summer...swimming with "his buddies Jared and Courtney in a hot pool."

He also told me his favorite part of summer is "all the seaweed."

And this is our baby boy...seems like just yesterday. I'm going to try not to cry tomorrow.

Countdown To Kindergarten

2007-09-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

T minus one day.

Gearing up...got a lot done today.

Spiffy Haircut. Check.

Groovy Shoes. Check.

Coveted Lunchbox. Check.

While I Love A Good Party...

2007-09-03T21:29:00.001-07:00

this may be a sign that you're taking yourself too seriously.

EAST HAMPTON, N.Y. — White was the dress code at a star-saturated party thrown by Sean "Diddy" Combs at his Long Island home, and the dress code was strictly enforced.

The hip-hop mogul's annual White Party featured guests Mariah Carey, Busta Rhymes, Star Jones and Tommy Lee.

But those who failed to abide by the dress code found themselves told to change, including the wife of Billy Joel, Katie Lee. She had gone to the party dressed in a shade of cream, but that did not win over Combs' fashion police. Turned away, she opted to go home.

Combs wore white sneakers with silver detailing, a white shirt and pants and a gold medallion.

If my only problem in this world was wearing a shade of cream to Diddy's White Party...

Warning #5

2007-09-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't a nice yellow doll house...this is where you go when it rains rockets. No Kristin, it doesn't rain much here. They call this a "duck and cover." When you go here, you have an opportunity to meet people and have a nice chat.

Life over here is like a sandcastle on the beach. One day, it's strong and in good shape...the next day, it's as though it never existed. Sometimes when I talk to my investigators, the story changes from hour to hour. So I've changed my approach. I think it's safe to say some people will be happy to see me go. Hey, I'm gonna get things done over here if it's the last thing I do. Here is an example of a typical conversation between me (ME) and one of my Iraqi investigators (II):

When I first got here:
ME: Hey, is this case ready to go to trial?
II: Yes, no problem.
ME: OK.

Two weeks into the trip:
ME: Hey, is this case ready to go to trial?
II: Yes, no problem.
ME: Does the court have the fingerprint evidence?
II: It's ready, everything has been done.
ME: [I go to the Judge (JG) without the II] - Judge, have you seen the great fingerprint evidence we have on this subject?
JG: No, that would be good to have.

Five weeks into the trip:
ME: Hey, we're going to the court to get this case ready for trial.
II: Everything is done. It's ready.
ME: No, it's not. Get in the car...we're gonna use your car and burn your gas.
ME: [We go to the court to do an interview of the subject in front of the Judge] - Are we seeing the Judge?
II: No, the Judge says he is too busy and we have to bring the subject back another day.
ME: No. Find another Judge.
II: [The II rolls his eyes and smiles] - OK.
II: [The II finds another Judge] - This Judge says he can't do this today.
ME: You tell the Judge this is a very important case and this has to be done today so we can get it to trial.
II: [The II talks with the Judge] - OK, he'll see us in 15 minutes.

I'm not even kidding about this. It's hard work trying to get these guys to get movin' on some of this stuff. One of my investigators is going back to Quantico (with four other IIs) for training in a month. He was amazed that training would last all day. He asked if there was time for a nap. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? People wonder why things aren't getting done around here. From my experience, it's because they're taking a nap. But, one of my guys is pretty funny. So, after I bust his chops, we joke about it. It truly is a love/hate relationship.

Here is my funny investigator.

And here is me losing at chess...yes Rod, some things never change. However, I did have to set Suhaib straight when he told me pawns could move one or two spaces (throughout the game).

-MICHAEL

You Owe Me Big

2007-09-01T18:08:00.001-07:00

OK babe, I know you're protecting our country, ensuring our freedom, putting a boot in someone's you-know-what for the Red, White and Blue...and all that. And don't get me wrong, I am grateful.

But I had to take these babies to Chuck E. Cheese's today for a birthday party. Yeah. I think it was your turn. But I did it, soldier.

You have birthday party duty the next two years straight. I'll take over in the Green Zone.